Journal. I have a journal. I have to write. I keep forgetting this is here and I CAN'T forget I have to keep track of things.

I was with the Grimtotems this week, I think. They tried to warn me but I wasn't quick enough and when I woke up I was in a graveyard. And then they started. They were so loud and ANGRY, like no one had ever heard them and now that they had an audience they needed to be heard. I couldn't eat because of what I tasted when I did which w ((small part scribbled out illegibly here.)) So I was hungry and I couldn't hear or see anything but them. I learned where I was from them among the screaming.

Bloodaxe came to save me. I didn't know at first. All I felt was falling while they were yelling even louder at me and then it was wet and I was going to drown. Things get... fuzzy after that, but I know I woke up on shore with their voices quieter and Bloodaxe there, and then he used his hearthstone to get us both back to the apartment in Shattrath. Where we live. I don't think I've written that down. How long has it been?

He held me all last night even when my dreams got a little bad, I think. He still was when I woke up, anyway. I'm not going to the Bluff today, I have to clear my head and recover and that's more easily done here. Well maybe not RIGHT HERE because there are Draenei spirits everywhere (but at least I can't understand them) but maybe the Throne of Elements.

He was really hurt somehow while I was gone. He's covered in bandages. I should have been there to help but I wasn't and I feel really bad about it. Maybe I can still help the wounds heal, though.

I'm really glad he came for me.

((Written a bit down the page in a slightly different ink:))

I've been thinking a lot about what happened while I was captured and I can't let that happen anymore. It happened because I don't have the control I need to have. Jeddek would be ashamed. I have to get that control. I have to be able to keep who I am with me, keep things separate, keep them from overwhelming me.

I think I'm going to write the Bluffs and tell the shaman I'm not going to be there for a while. There are better places to train here on this world. And fewer spirits I can understand.

Bloodaxe asked me to help him with something in the ancestral graveyard in Nagrand. I went and listened to the spirits there who were extra loud.. one of them possessed me and spoke with Bloodaxe about regaining honor and learning what honor means.

I spent a lot of time talking with Bloodaxe that night. He's really nice and treats me like a person and not some freak who can't stop hearing voices. He compliments me a lot, too. We're going shopping sometime soon for clothes that aren't ceremonial robes so maybe people start seeing the person and not the spirit walker more.

But he also told me a spirit was talking to him about avenging her murder, and as he told me what he knew about the murderer, it sounded more and more like Lapu.

Lapu invited me to the tri unit barracks for dinner, so I went and ate the stew he made, which was good. But he said I frustrated him and I have the attention span of a fly which I most certainly do NOT. I asked him about the spirit and he got really defensive. Told me it was an accident that she fell off Thunder Bluff and that he didn't mean to push her that much. He wanted to know who told me about it, and I told him. He kept making subtle threats and I warned him he'd regret it if he tried to hurt Bloodaxe. I called the spirits to help me make the point, which I think they did, and then I left.

But I got a letter from Bloodaxe later that evening telling me to come to Camp Taurajo quickly, and when I did, he was standing there with Lapu. Lapu asked for the ankh he gave me for safe keeping, but since he lied to me and tried to attack Bloodaxe I kept it. Bloodaxe said that Lapu could either die right then or he could submit to a fair trial. I urged him to do the trial. The elders will give him a fair trial, I know they will, if it's an accident like he said.

I think he's just really scared. He's been keeping it to himself for so long and lying about it that he doesn't know how else to react. He's scared of what will happen. But I don't think he meant to hurt the girl who died and unless he faces it he'll keep running from it for the rest of his life.

I need to visit the foot of Thunder Bluff and see if I can find the girl to talk to. I want to know what she thinks about it all, too.

But if Lapu tries to hurt me like he tried to hurt Bloodaxe he'll find out that you shouldn't mess with a spirit walker, even if I am an apprentice.

Maybe I should just stick with the spirits.

I've never heard of a spirit guide going so wrong. Sometimes they can give advice that isn't what the person wants for themselves or isn't where they want to go, but that's not wrong, that's just guidance. That's what they're supposed to do.

This Vaien person mentioned there was a spirit causing problems for his wife who turned out to be my cousin. The wife, not the spirit. Aquenda. And she said it loves her and from what her husband said and gestured there's something se inti inappropriate going on in her dreams and in wakefulness.

So I talked to her about it and she said she didn't want to send the spirit away. And I don't blame her, it's her spirit guide and she's supposed to listen to it. But the spirit (it's a he, and he's a bird) said that he was controlling her because it was better than others controlling her. But that's wrong. The shaman should be the one in control, not the spirit guide. He's using the idea love and stim inappropriate things to try and win her over and get her to listen to him. That's not guidance, that's not his job.

I could tell that Vaien was upset about the spirit doing this to his wife so I tried to tell her that. I tried to explain that it was more important to live and love in this world, our world, than to focus on the spirit world. Spirits are defined by that time they lived and breathed. Her guide is being selfish and stupid and a poor guide to a shaman who needs to keep her hooves on the ground and not in her dreams.

She isn't like me, and she has a choice in the matter. She should pick what's real and live there. She never got the dreams. She shouldn't have to deal with it.

I'm meeting Lapu again tonight to maybe try and live more in the real world myself. I picked Ashenvale where the wisps don't speak any language I really understand or can make out and I might be able to concentrate more there.

I really need more than the spirits for company.

I have to write in this I have to WRITE in this I can't keep forgetting

People have been coming to me with problems and I try my best to help them but a lot of times I can't. I'm trying to learn languages so I can understand the spirits. The trolls are helping a little but the humans aren't at all and the elves are just RUDE. Maybe I can find someone in the tr unit to teach me. I should ask. I need to remember.

Someone named Lapu seems to like me and asked me out on a date but I don't know if I'm okay with it, really. I'm going though. Sometimes he's nice and sometimes he's rude and sometimes he treats me like I'm some strange creature who's above normal tauren or something. He kissed me once. Then he rejected a gift when he said he was down on his luck and it was just a gold but he said he wasn't going to take money from me. And now he wants me to wear my ceremonial robes on the date because he thinks they're pretty. I guess they are but they're my ROBES. I need to get more dresses. And wear them.

I'm not just my robes and my training and the spirits. I'm not.

Bloodaxe understands that at least. He's a good friend, always looking out for me. He warned me about Lapu and the spirits won't shut up about him either for some reason but he says that I can take care of myself. He thinks I should try and have more fun.

Well, maybe the date will be fun.

((Added later, further on down the page..))

Maybe I'm out of touch with people or something but who thinks the Undercity courtyard is romantic and why would you want to take a date there? It's slimy and rotten and LOUD and I don't like it there.

Maybe the spirits were right.

I have to write in this more. I have to. Have to keep things straight.

The Grimtotem didn't kill me. He listened to what I had to say and didn't hurt me at all, and I left before he changed his mind.

People have been seeking me out a lot. A lot. There was a problem with dreams for a while with the orc who was looking for his daughter and his friends, elves and tauren and undead. I told them what I could. My dreams meant that I was a spirit walker. That's what Jeddek said. But the dreams they talked about didn't sound like my dreams, and they didn't sound like they caused them, so I told them that. I wasn't much help. I didn't help Darda much either when she asked me for help with Bloodaxe. I wasn't sure. I don't know. I need to research more, learn more, and fulfill my role as a spirit walker. A guide. That's what I'm supposed to be. I can't guide people if I don't know what to do, though. Elder Jeddek always knew what to do.

I've been trying to serve as a guide for the tri military unit I'm in, and there's this thief named Owa who keeps stealing scrolls from the Horde. I yelled at him for doing it and I explained why he shouldn't and he promised never to do it again. But he kept doing it. He seemed to be afraid of the Warcaller finding out so I told him I'd tell him if he continued, and he said he'd stop. But he didn't. So I told the Warcaller. The Warcaller beat him up and told him to return the scrolls, and Owa lied to the Warcaller's face about not having them. I was there and I told the truth, and he got angry. So did his friend, Arazor. He said he'd make me pay. He attacked me later from behind, cut my neck, while the Warcaller was with me. He got really angry and they yelled at each other and then the Warcaller removed Arazor from the unit. He said he was still going to make me pay and ran off.

The Warcaller said that he'd take care of it and they started shouting in the cities to watch for him. The Warcaller sent his raptor to shadow me too, just in case. I think Arazor's out to kill me and I don't want to die yet, not when I have things to do. I don't want to be one of them, talking to the next apprentice all the time and driving her mad.

Arazor thinks I'm weak because I stammer, I think. Because I didn't attack him. But if he attacks me again he'll find out that I'm not a weakling. I can stand up to him. I will. He's in the wrong, he and Owa both. I'm not going to let him hunt me like this. They'll tell me when he's coming. They'll tell me when he's lurking.

And then he'll be sorry.

A lot of things have happened. A lot. I should write them down so I remember.

The Warcaller of the tri military unit I belong to now was ill. I was asked to help in cleansing him, and I did! I focused, and the spirits were quiet, and it worked. I think it worked. I hope it did. They spoke in whispers, and I could hear the Warcaller too, but he's back in his body and well now and I won't have to hear him like they speak. Which is good. I don't want him to be one of them.

I asked and searched for the spirit Bloodaxe asked me to find among them, and they pointed me towards the Barrens and Dustwallow. I found her eventually, alone, and asked her what Bloodaxe told me to ask her. She wasn't happy, not one bit. She was angry that her bones were left someplace where she was lonely rather than being with her tribe. She told me to tell someone named No Grimtotem that he didn't listen to a word she said and that there is a special place for "assholes like him," she said. I moved her bones to the base of the Pinnacle like she asked so she can be with the others. They were angry when I came, loud and raucous and claiming I didn't belong, so I dropped her bones there and left.

I told Bloodaxe about it in front of a girl named Sihu but she seemed to get really, really upset when she heard and ran off. I think something I said upset her, which I didn't want at all. I don't know these people, not really, not beyond what they say, so I let Bloodaxe go after her instead and went away from the elf city with all the angry spirits that wail in the beautiful language I don't know. So hard to concentrate there. Very hard.

Bloodaxe told me No goes to the Drunken Kodo, the tavern in Ratchet, and that I could find him there. So I'll go tonight and deliver the message as I was asked to do. I worry though because Grimtotems are supposed to be really violent and angry and the message I have isn't a good one. I'll protect myself somehow. I'll think of something.

I went to that tavern place in the Barrens last night. It was loud, it's always so loud, and they were being louder. But I didn't go to talk to them, and I didn't. I tried to focus on the people there.

There was one of the dead humans there who talked to me and said she liked my hooves. She said she was trying to learn how to write and drew a word that was not nice at ALL and said it was her name. Then she showed me a letter she took from a tauren, a Bluffwatcher. It was about someone named Tan or Tam and someone else named No, I think. And about love. It was all smudged; I couldn't read everything. She said she stole it from the Bluffwatcher and wanted it back, but I gave it to the orc instead. It seemed really personal, and the orc said he knew a Tam.

The orc was nice. I think his name was Bloodaxe? He tried to help me focus on things and keep them from talking so loudly, and it helped a little. Then he said I should get a hobby. I don't know what kind of hobby would help me focus. I remember my family farming and fishing and basket-weaving and they were all lost in their own minds while doing it. That won't help me. I need something that keeps me grounded. Makes my ears focus on real things so I can't hear them as much anymore.

I wonder if my mother still has that flute.

I guess I should start writing things down. Jeddek always told me it was good to write now and then. He said it helped him keep focused on who he was when they spoke.

Everything's so different. We were so out of the loop in Desolace. Maybe it was just me. Jeddek would come back sometimes from the Post looking worried. Never talked to me about anything but the spirits. Now I come out of the hills and there are these orcs and trolls and undead humans and elves everywhere, and we need to speak the orc language, not Taurahe. Jeddek started teaching it to me before he made me leave. He must have known, then.

I still can't believe he made me leave. I'm not ready for this, I know I'm not, they're talking to me all the time and I can't control it. Now, when I talk to others, when I sleep, all the time. I can't control it. They're always talking. And I don't understand the trolls or the elves or the humans or the dwarves or anyone like that when they talk to me. They know I can hear them and they want things. I can't give them what they want. I don't understand them.

Maybe I should try to learn the other languages, but they won't be quiet long enough for me to focus. They never are. They just keep chattering and shouting and whispering to me.

I need to ground myself somehow. Jeddek said that being part of a tribe is important for a spirit walker. My family is more interested in sowing than spirits; a big red troll took me into his military "unit" instead. He said I could be useful, and I'm trying to be. Right now, all they do is add more voices to my head through the hearthstone. It helps me focus, though. It does.

I need to meet more of them and talk to them. I need to keep grounded. If I keep going into places like that valley made of bones I need to be able to focus. Drown out the screams somehow.